dragongawdess

Some where in all of life's insanity, I've chosen to not believe in you.

I don't and I can't, and I already knew. 

I feel spent.

And I am just waiting. 

Passing.

Time.

Bruised.

Some where in the tapestry of my life, I chose the quiet dark.

I do and I can, because I'm too numb to see.

I feel sick.

And I am just waiting.

Passing.

Time. 

Confused.

Some where in the depths of my soul, I am forever empty.

I am. I am. Forever is eternity.

I feel faithless.

And I am godless.

Passing.

Time.

Painfully.

Knock on my door.
The pit of your stomach;
can't breathe kind.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.

Officer, 
You have my heart written on your paper;
and you knocked the breath out of me.
Breathe, breathe, remember to breathe.

Call, call, call, call.
Phones, crying, nightmare.
My baby girl's heart stopped.
Run, run, run, run.

Need to get to her.
Go. Gone. Drive.
So far to be with her.
Waiting, waiting, waiting, wait.

See her. Heart drops.
Wish it was my heart that stopped instead.
The sounds, the sights...
Feeling, wishing, hoping, dying.

Nothing changes.
She is not who you paint her to be! She is not!
She is my daughter! 
My sunlight. My heart. My soul. MY child. My baby girl!
The nightmare never ends.
Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Her last breath,

echoes in the now emptiness of my soul.

And I cannot forget.

I am empty. 

Never whole.

I will love you forever. R.I.P. <3 

The summer is gone.
The autumn presses the leaves with her gentle frost,
Preparing.
The nights are longer.
We move to a better view of constellations above.
Wonderment.
Hunter's Moon.
My soul companion howls,
Lonely.
Silently we wait.

I usually look forward to summer.
Hot days, electric energy during the nights, building enough to keep me awake.
Restless.
I no longer care about a lot of things I used to.
Forever turning, changing. Hanging.
Time of transition is over.
Starting over...
Only this time, less of my burden.
My home fires burn, brightly. Strong.
Light.
I will embrace what I am suppose to be.
I am who I am meant to be.
I remember me.

April has probably been one of my more frustrating months. Now I just feel so burned out.
Today I'm beyond tired.

The snow came back, as I knew it would. Hopefully this will be the last of it though.
So far, I've just been putting my head down and dealing with one small crisis at a time. However, I fear I am at the end of my rope.

Learning how to say "no" when people ask things of me is a bit of my mantra lately. I need to start sorting the mess that's in front of me before I can do anything else.
Just getting over being sick, has left me physically tired. Emotionally, I'm spent.

And now, I am faced with having to put down one of my best friends.    She's so old, but she's having difficulties now. And I think it's the kindest thing I can do for her. I'm going to miss her, and my heart hurts. I love my eldest cat, Smokey...she was always my constant. Always getting into things. Forever my Princess.